One year on and hope for the future…
The first anniversary of my near death emergency has come and gone. I made sure, I would not have to be in the office where it happened that day, but otherwise, I felt strong and well balanced. At last, I was able to attend my friend´s birthday party the following day – as had been my plan already last year but obviously I did not make it then.
I had started to have nightmares the weekend before 26 November, a Tuesday this year, and they centred mainly on the surgery and fear of it occurring again.
Over the next few days, more fears about my financial and job situation were coming through in regular intervals but at the same time, there remained a deep knowledge inside of me that I would be provided for and that a plan of action would reveal itself at the right time. Apparently, now was not yet the right time and I had to just continue as before but also keep myself consciously open to opportunities and signs, should they be given to me.
In general, I was becoming more stable and strong, combined with a feeling of immense gratefulness for getting better. I felt enthusiastic with some of my energy returning and planned to involve myself more in the office to try to help my overworked colleagues and to start working more hours. I contemplated asking my doctor to gradually increase my work ability from now 50 to 60 percent, later 70 percent, and so on. Before I was able to even discuss this with him at the next appointment, there was a new development at work.
People were concerned about the possibility to see me back working regularly for more than the current 50 percent and I was generally cautioned by the management that I might not be stable and fit enough to increase.
That was not quite how I felt and therefore it came as quite a blow to me. I contemplated whether they could be right and whether I was really no longer up to the tasks given to me. I was uncertain but from the many regular contacts with people on Facebook who had suffered the same disease and operation, I had learned that in most cases it just takes a long time for the body to readjust and some of these people were definitely able to get back to a normal full-time job eventually. In my case, I hoped, it would be the same.
It became clear, however, that I should be open to changes, whatever way, and that I needed to trust in my destiny once again, just as I had done at the time when my life-threatening event had occurred.
After all, I had received a great gift during the time of the life-threatening situation. It is the gift of a permanent change in awareness and feeling of connectedness.
Ever since my acute ascending aortic dissection and subsequent slow healing, I have been having this feeling of connectedness – I call it a link, connecting my awareness to a wider, universal one. I had had this sensation before and I can even remember specific instances when that had been the case, but it would just be like a fleeting moment and I would never be able to hold on to it for long. But now, it seemed to be permanent.
This is what helped me not to lose myself in the great fear of an unpredictable future, with the obvious uncertainties of possibly losing my entire life circumstances as they were, here in Switzerland. There was a tangible danger for me that I might be unable to stay here and that I might need to move to a country with less expensive living conditions. Where and when I might be forced to this drastic step in order to live from a very small income, I had no idea.
Especially at the times when I started feeling desperate, at the same time, I became even more aware of the existence of a higher plan and life force and I knew that all I needed to do was not get in the way and let it happen. Being provided for is really one thing we can all count on without a doubt. But often, the tremendous fear and unwillingness to see the signs and abide by them make life so difficult. I find that it requires a certain amount of courage and trust, not easy to have at all times.
I know, in the past, more times than not, I had been fighting to get something that might not have been in my plan and I would therefore spend my energy and strength to achieve something in my life which might not have been mine to have in the first place. This would definitely be true for some of my relationships, doomed from the start. Deep inside, I had known this each time but nevertheless I had invested my hopes and energy into them only to see them falling apart regardless and realising later that they had not been meant for me at all. That there was no real love but only the wish not to be alone or the short-lived sexual infatuation which had not been enough of a basis for a lasting relationship.
I still have the wish to find the right partner to share my life with. Despite many efforts this past year, once I was feeling better, this has not been successful. I have now given up on dating platforms and joining events in order to meet the right man. Just like with the other circumstances in my life, I needed to let go and trust in my life plan for it to happen at the right time or perhaps not at all in this life-time. It is hard sometimes to think that there might definitely not be a new man coming into my life any more. But rather than feeling the pain and fighting against it, I am now rather accepting, enjoying my freedom and looking forward to any other gifts life might have in store for me.
After this first year, with all its ups and downs and the many new experiences, I needed to continue finding the joy in all things and just embrace each day as it came.